Divorce: Is the "Move On" Advice Being Given Out Way Too Freely?

When it comes to divorce, the “move on” advice IS being given out way too freely. I am separated right now and have been for quite a long time. It has been quite a journey. “Move on” is really the only advice I get. If that is the only advice I’m getting, I’m pretty certain that’s the only advice my husband is getting. And, our problems are really minimal compared to many.

It’s not my choice. It is his choice to divorce me. However, I do know that I was part of the problem in our relationship. I did some damage in our relationship. I let my anger get the best of me many times and I screamed and yelled and called him a bunch of names and I was not completely honest with him just to name a few. I’m not going to justify my behavior. It doesn’t even matter what he did to upset me so much…. it doesn’t even matter. I need to own up to my responsibility in the relationship. I brought some “toxins” into our relationship. But, it takes two to tango.

His anger comes out much differently than mine. His anger takes the form of abandonment of affection, being inconsiderate and ignoring me and he has not been completely honest with me just to name a few. Just like I’m not going to justify my behavior, I’m not going to justify his. It doesn’t even matter what I did to upset him so much… it doesn’t even matter. In order for us to salvage the relationship, he needs to own up to his responsibility also. He also brought some “toxins” into our relationship. But, I can’t MAKE him NOT divorce me. It's his choice.

I’m well aware that the above relationship has mild problems compared to most. But, the message applies to everyone. Do not justify your behavior. Take responsibility for the “toxins” you are putting into it. Do not blame your spouse for your own behavior. Do not blame your spouse because you cheated on them. Do not blame your spouse because you physically harmed them. Do not blame your spouse for your own behavior. You can only be in control of you. You cannot be in control of someone else. As long as you continue to blame your spouse for the “toxins” you put into your relationship you will NEVER be free… you will be dependent on another person for your happiness. Divorce is not going to solve your problems.

And that is how you salvage a relationship, both parties taking responsibility for the “toxic” behavior they are putting into it. Then standing up and saying today is the first day of the rest of our lives! We are both going to try our hardest to be kind, honest and considerate. We are both going to try our hardest to not let the old “toxic” behavior in. We are both going to try our hardest to let go of our resentment for each other. We are both going to start taking some responsibility for what we are putting forth in the relationship. We are both going to work on communicating better. We are both going to work on being more respectful of each other. We are going to start working for what we both want... happiness.

Something worth mentioning of course is NOBODY is perfect. So try to be a little more understanding and a little more apologetic. This article is obviously meant to be a guide. It is a guide to try and put your relationship back on track. It is not perfection and it not the “end all be all” but it is meant to be a helpful guide. But, the bottom line is, if you continue to justify your own behavior, you are wrong.

Obviously, if both parties do not take responsibility and want to work on it… the relationship is over. But if your children are at stake, please do not “move on” until you are certain there is no way to salvage it.

If you have questions or comments on this article, please email me at beth@empathylessons.com.

- Elizabeth Fink, February 20, 2009