Compassion: Are We Competing for "Poor Me?"

It has been my observation that many couples get into a “poor me” competition. Like for instance, one spouse will come home from work and immediately start complaining about what a horrible day they had. Then the other spouse will immediately chime in, “that’s nothing… you think you had a horrible day….” and then they’ll start complaining about their day. Neither one is listening or caring about the other. What is missing from this conversation? Compassion.

Maybe why we complain so much is because what we really want are others to show us more compassion. It is my theory that if we stopped competing with each other and started listening and caring more, we would complain a whole lot less.

Now, let’s say one spouse comes home and complains about their day. If the other spouse took the time to listen and to care about their spouse’s frustrating day, that frustration would ease up. Then it would be the other spouse’s turn to complain about their day and get a little caring and concern and then their frustration would ease up.

But, instead, what we have is a competition of sorts. The part that is most important, the listening and caring, is being thrown by the wayside. Rather than the couple feeling sorry for each other they end up feeling sorry for themselves because neither one got what they wanted, a little compassion.

The bottom line is though if we stopped focusing on “poor me” so much and instead focused on “poor everybody else,” that would make for a very beautiful world.

If you have questions or comments about this article, please share them with me at beth@empathylessons.com.

- Elizabeth Fink, October 31, 2008